13th June 2024
The Critical Role of Awareness and Support for Children Affected by Parental Addiction
Matt is a qualified psychotherapist and clinical supervisor who has over 30 years’ experience of working in the substance misuse field in both community and institutional settings. He specialises in family interventions and working with children affected by parental substance misuse. He has been involved in the M-PACT project since the beginning.
The incredible importance of events like NACOA’s ‘COAweek2024’ and The Forward Trusts ‘Taking Action on Addiction’ cannot be underestimated! When addiction is present in families everybody is affected. Feeling judged and blamed can lead to stigma which in turn makes people isolate. With isolation comes loneliness…with loneliness comes desperation and this is where physical and mental health can seriously decline. Events that highlight the plight of families in these situations and particularly focus on the children that are being affected by a parent’s addiction are paramount to bringing awareness to a wider audience and support to a vulnerable ‘hidden’ population. The very fact that events like ‘COAweek24’ are running gives a clear message to children who are struggling with a parent’s behaviour that they ‘are not alone’ and ‘it’s ok to talk about the situation’. Getting people talking at all levels brings understanding to what is going on in so many homes across the country. This can ultimately make the difference between people simply surviving and actually living a healthy life!
Sadly, the reality is that lots of people across the country have an addiction. The most common addictions usually revolve around drugs, alcohol, or gambling. At the Forward Trust we have listened and supported children over many years so know that if a mum or dad has an addiction you can find your life seriously affected by the way they behave. It can be really tough for a variety of reasons. They might be difficult to talk to; they might act in worrying or frightening ways; they might be changeable, so you never quite know what they are going to do next. You can worry that if you say anything to them about their addiction it might make things worse. For example, ‘Will they drink more?’ ‘Will they get angry?’ ‘Will they shout, scream or even become violent?’ All these concerns can force you to say nothing about the situation, so things get ignored and the problems get worse. What’s happening in your home may not be ok, but you say nothing because you are frightened.
Some children living with a parent who have an addiction issue may act in the role of an adult, which means they might be looking after mum or dad and be taking care of their younger brothers and sisters. Struggling at school and not able to concentrate because of what is going on at home can be another consequence of parental addiction. A child at school might be being bullied as a result of not having the latest clothes to wear because the money in the family is being spent on drugs, alcohol, or gambling.
It might feel as if you are the only person going through this with your mum or dad … but you are not. There are lots of children going through what you are going through right across the country and across the world. It is happening everywhere, in villages, towns and cities. Unfortunately, you are all going through a very similar experience. There will even be other children and young people in your school who are going through what you are going through. It is just so difficult to talk about it, so you tend to go through it alone.
Addiction is hard to make sense of, especially when you look at the pain it causes everyone. You can try to make sense of it but that can leave you feeling frustrated, confused, and tired. You might be thinking that if you can ‘work out’ why someone is an addict then you may be able to fix the problem and make things better. Sadly, it doesn’t work like that!
A parent might have promised to change but these promises may have been broken many times. This can leave you feeling let down and lied to. You then start to not believe anything that they say, even though you desperately might want to. Unfortunately, this is what happens! When people become desperate and are addicted to certain behaviours, they tend to break promises and not tell the truth.
You may feel split, whereby you love the person with the addiction but also dislike them at the same time. This could lead to you feeling guilty or ashamed.
Feeling angry, responsible, and frightened around addiction is all completely natural. When someone in the family has an addiction, these feelings can seem to ‘always be around’.
Night times can be especially tough. When you are trying to go to sleep it can be more difficult to distract yourself and you can start to think about ‘What’s going on?’ and all the things that are happening in your life. And for example, it can be a time of the day where in other parts of your home you may be able to hear shouting and arguing because a parent is drinking too much alcohol.
Many different people have lots of ideas about why people become addicted. Some people think it’s a disease or an illness, others think it is behaviour that has been learnt. It doesn’t matter what the addiction is, the effects on the family and individuals in that family have similarities. There isn’t any agreement or definite answers to ‘why’ addiction happens, but most people agree that talking to someone about what you are going through can really make a positive difference and people can change and get better!
The experience of having a mum or dad with an addiction issue can be exhausting, traumatic and stressful. The constant worry of what is going to happen next, being unable to switch off and being fearful can all take its toll on your psychological and physical health. Having an addict in the family means you can find yourself in very difficult situations created by addiction. As I have mentioned, there are many different ideas why some people become addicted to certain behaviours but there is universal agreement on what helps when families and children are affected. These things are: Increased awareness and understanding about the problem, a connection with other people who have been through similar experiences, and the importance of having good support networks. Furthermore, if lines of communication are opened up and improvements are made in how people feel about themselves then things can really change for the better. Awareness events like NACOA’s ‘COAweek2024’ and the Forward Trusts ‘Taking Action on Addiction’ are an acknowledgement to families and children struggling in silence. They are an opportunity to align and link up with all these key components that can allow improved coping strategies and ultimately recovery.
We know that if your mum or dad has an addiction it can really help you if you were to get involved in supportive interventions that are specifically designed to support you with what you are going through. This could be counselling, attending support groups or taking part in family programmes like The Forward Trust’s M-PACT programme (Moving Parents and Children Together). If you have not heard of M-PACT it is an intervention that was designed to meet the needs of children who have been affected by a parent’s drinking or drug taking. The programme can be best described as an evidence based psychosocial and educational brief intervention that takes a whole family approach. Currently the age range of the children that can attend is 8 to 17 although a little younger and a little older will be considered.
Using a non-judgemental, collaborative, and flexible approach up to 8 families are supported on any one programme. Following an assessment, M-PACT consists of 8 consecutive weekly meetings that last 2.5 hours, a family review session, where future plans are explored and implemented and a reunion that takes place 12 weeks later. At the reunion learning is consolidated and change is celebrated. The families’ progress is explored in terms of what has been working and what needs further support.
M-PACT aims to build resilience, increase coping and protective factors, and identify resources to provide practical help. Simply put coming together with other people on the programme breaks the isolation of addiction and expels the stigma! During the sessions we target improving communication so relationships can flourish, and we help people feel better about themselves, so they are able to move forward in a happier and healthier frame! The programme basically targets the areas addiction affects and, in my opinion, it covers the three main areas that any good intervention should cover; a bit of education, a space to process experiences and the all-important practicalities of what to do; when in good times as well as not so good times.
The programme is making a real difference to families and children across the country and in fact further afield. M-PACT has been independently evaluated and is recommended by many agencies including at government levels. Please contact us for more information if you want to attend a programme or as a professional you would like to deliver the programme under licence to the families that are affected by parental substance misuse in your area.
It’s so important that if you are a child affected by a parent’s addiction to remember, ‘you are not alone’! To remember that the addiction in the family ‘is not your fault’ and that all feelings are ok and it’s ok to feel. Most of all, don’t keep it all to yourself…. talk to someone about what is going on – you are worth listening to!
I really hope that something I’ve gone over for ‘COAweek2024’ has made sense to you or even helped you in some way.
Take care and stay safe.
Matt Serlin
