The isolation of active addiction, the loss of family and friends, the terror of anxiety, the despair of depression, the overwhelming burden of shame, the fear of being caught and even worse - being seen – are all deeply lonely places to exist from. In my experience loneliness has come in many guises, shapes and sizes. It’s been pervasive, insipid, deceptive and destructive. It’s also been the catalyst for change when confronted with kindness and human connection.
With all the isolation, shame and guilt that comes with being in active addiction, it’s often easy for those suffering to overlook or misinterpret the loneliness they are feeling. It certainly was for me.
When I was lost in active addiction, my behaviour led me to being extremely isolated and on my own for long periods of time. This was partly because I had run out of friends, family or colleagues who would put up with me, and partly because I deliberately chose to be alone so that nothing could interfere with or get in the way of the impossible task of trying to satisfy my addictions.
I had absolutely no idea that I was desperately lonely. When I ventured out, I fitted right into the description from AA’s Big Book of someone ‘hoping to find understanding companionship and approval. Momentarily we did—then would come oblivion and the awful awakening to face the hideous Four Horsemen—Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, Despair…’, Those four horsemen also imposed a horrific loneliness because they are not really feelings I wanted to share with others, so I was stuck with them. Alone.
As if being physically alone and emotionally alone weren’t enough, I was also spiritually alone – which is to say that there was no connection whatsoever with anything or anybody outside of myself. Voices on the TV or radio were often my only company – I sometimes confused them with reality and found myself responding or answering and engaging with them. I’d even lost my connection with my biggest love – music, which failed to move me anymore. I needed substances to create any emotions or connections, and then other substances to numb them again.
When I was desperate enough and fortunate enough (understatement of the year) to find recovery – or should I say, when recovery found me – as I began to defrost, I reconnected very quickly. Addiction is about isolation, recovery is about connection, and for me, it was to be found in the laughter I shared with my peers as well as the common pain of our mutual experiences. Identification brought sweet relief. I realised that I didn’t have to be on alone physically, or in my feelings anymore – and this was the key.
Sometimes even in my early recovery I felt lonely, especially away from the meetings and others in recovery. The looks and whispers and apparent lack of understanding, the feeling that I was somehow defective grating against the desperate need to belong, and the seeming impossibility of finding my place again.
The answer, of course, is no I wasn’t. But it can really feel like it at the time. Meaningful recovery from addiction is all about connection with others, or in my case, re-connecting. Understanding that we are not alone in our experiences, feelings, and thoughts.
Fellowship with others in recovery, learning together how to experience life sober, re-engaging with family, creating new friendships, building self-esteem and most importantly, re-connecting with myself – were all hugely important in establishing a new baseline for living as I slowly emerged from the loneliness and isolation of active addiction.
Later, when I shared my stepwork with my AA sponsor, I went from having truly believed that I was a bad person and a hopeless cause to fully understanding that I was no different from the millions of others who have been before me, which lifted a huge amount of the emotional isolation.
It's also important to recognise that loneliness doesn’t need to stem from acute conditions, addiction or mental ill-health. Work related stress, lack of communication, unexpressed uncertainty and fear can all create loneliness, and it’s easy to feel isolated in a room full of people. It’s also all too easy to go to extreme lengths to avoid loneliness – for example to over-work, surrounding ourselves with people and things, to seek refuge in people and relationships. There’s a great song by Regina Spektor that perfectly illustrates this when the narrator describes “staying up drinking in late night establishments telling strangers personal things” and later “I'm so lonely, lonely, lonely so I went to a protest just to rub up against strangers.”
Loneliness in all its forms is the gift that keeps on giving.
Two years of the pandemic generated a different kind of loneliness and isolation, loss of loved ones, separation from family, friends and colleagues, fear and financial insecurity which has left its traumatic mark and people are still recovering, or not-recovering, in many different ways. A different kind of loneliness was, and in many cases still is, prevalent.
For those attending regular meetings as part a 12 Step programme, a vital lifeline was suddenly removed. One unexpected but incredibly welcome silver lining was the emergence of online meetings, and how the recovery community not only took to them, but took ownership - organised themselves, made them secure, inclusive, and widely available. It’s amazing that now at any time of a day or night, 24 hours, 100’s of meetings are available for anyone who seeks them. There’s now a whole generation of people in recovery who found it via online meetings.
One thing that I have learned is that in any area of my life, if I attempt to be stoic and think that I can either take it on the chin, or tackle my problems alone, I’m setting myself up for trouble. I need to acknowledge and communicate and connect with others. And there is nothing greater or more powerful to ease loneliness than meaningful connection with another human being.
Music Support, a Partner Taking Action on Addiction charity that helps those who work in music and live events affected by mental ill-health and/or addiction, recently conducted an industry-wide survey to understand our peers’ mental health challenges during the pandemic and beyond. The results were concerning, including 77% who said they felt regularly lonely or isolated. However, It’s reassuring to know that in a parallel survey, 85% of our beneficiaries told us that our support helps them feel less lonely.
The amazing work of The Forward Trust, and that of all the Taking Action On Addiction partner charities, is reducing loneliness and building lasting connections one lonely person at a time. So if you are struggling, suffering, feeling lonely, feeling at risk, in despair – help is available. Please reach out because you may be one connection away from recovery, the path could be right in front of you.
Matt Thomas
This is the full-length version of a blog published on the British Phonographic Industry Website
